I love getting catalogs. While other people scramble to be removed from multitudes of mailing lists, I don’t. Well, not usually. Mostly I enjoy looking at the various fantasy products, ripping out pages here and there of things that catch my interest. The fact that I cannot afford most of them is besides the point. Let’s face it—they are treasure troves of amusement. Want proof? In the past month I came across the following product:

poop freeze
poop freeze product
Isn’t that a manly hunk of a man with the accessory shoulder holder? I gotta tell you, the product copy is every bit as weird:

POOP-FREEZE™ is an emergency pet product that every pet owner should have. Just keep it under the sink for those occasions in which your pet has diarrhea or loose stool. POOP-FREEZE™ is ideal for new pet owners as their pets are learning the basics of potty training. POOP-FREEZE™ is also great for seasoned pet owners who’s pets occasionally make a mess in the house. POOP-FREEZE™ is safe to use both on carpet and vegetation. Just Frost & Toss with POOP-FREEZE™.

That is the online sanitized version from the company. Let’s look at what was in catalog 1:

Poop Freeze Creates Excretory Confections
Blast that shit with a $12.99 can of Poop Freeze, turning your pet’s hefty hunk of steaming junk into an ice sculpture complete with a white crusty film that makes it oh-so-scrumptulicious to pick up.

Best of all, it contains no CFC’s and doesn’t harm vegetation. Plus, instead of carrying around that warm mushy plastic bag in your pocket, now you can carry around a disgusting ice ball. Big improvement. – Charlie White

Or this one from catalog 2 (Skymall):

Pick up after your pet the quick and easy way.
Poop Freeze is an easy, earth-friendly way to do your “dooty” and clean up after your dog. It chills animal waste to -62°F, creating an outer “crust” that enables you to quickly place in a bag and dispose. Makes picking up loose stool and diarrhea easier. Effective for all kinds of pets, including dogs, cats, birds, etc. Indoor or outdoor use. Safe for humans and pets when used as directed.

What cracks me up about this one of the “No air delivery.” line.

In addition I found not one but TWO companies offering dust covers for washers and dryers…with RUFFLES. My washer and dryer don’t get enough rest to be covered up, even with no kids in the house. They aren’t in any “entertaining” area, so I don’t have that worry, either.

I was informed that people who have summer cottages might do that..cover up their washer and dryer during the off season when no one is there. I want to know why for? If no one is there, why bother? These things puzzle me. But I also find them amusing, hence, no do-not-mail for this set of catalogs.

On the other hand, if I could just convince myself to throw them away when the next edition comes out instead of feeling pressured to check each page of every edition (in case I missed some fascinating new product on sale) I might be able to reduce the pile of paper by a foot or three…or more…