This first.

More humbling experiences with the voice lessons. I haven’t explained to the voice teacher my real stumbling block in singing (aside from the bad breathing habits and open/drop jaw sound quality parts), is that I do not relax to sing solo when anyone outside of a toddler is within earshot. I freeze. My vocal chords lock up and my ears and head have trouble connecting the sound I am making with the sound I want to be making. A nightmarish experience in my teens kept me solidly in choral singing. Duets with my sister were safe. I trust her voice with mine totally.

But in my lessons, I am alone. Alone with someone who doesn’t understand just how hard it is for me to make any song at all come out of my mouth. I strain to measure my voice, to keep the phrasing smooth and the upper ranges clear and clean. The sounds created disappoint me. I push on through my feelings of inadequacy and embarrassment, reminding myself that in order to overcome the block, I need to work through it.

This is the part where people say nauseating things like, “Someday you will laugh about this,” or “It can’t be that bad!” (yes, it is) or even “No pain, no gain” (now those are the ones I would gladly throttle, pacifist that I am!).

How I survive it is knowing that I will never inflict the noise I am making at this point on an unsuspecting audience… unlike some others I sing with. I sing well in chorus. Alone, not so much. At this point I am not sure which is more important to conquer, the fear of singing solo and sounding dreadful, or the fear of public exposure and personal ridicule.

I just want to be comfortable enough with my voice that I can open my mouth and sing as freely in public as I do in private.

Then there’s that…

A monstrous crazy busy week at work with DH away and then the Scholarship Dinner/Music Program on Saturday, followed by the Westford Chorus “Cabaret” show, and Lay Reading in church on Sunday left me a totally exhausted, wasted wreck. Both concerts were AWE-some and you should be sorry you missed them! (Unless you didn’t, in which case I say thank you very much!)

Some other things…

Have you ever noticed how your life can go on for days, weeks, even months as a social wasteland, and then everything piles up on top of one another?

While I was buried in work and puppies and music, the Represent Event was held in NYC. Co-worker CR took time to be there and report back. It was an amazing time! I was *SO* the envious one! CR snapped this sign, knowing I would appreciate it:

It was seen while on a tour of F.I.T. led by a KNITTING PROFESSOR (sorry about the caps, no wait, I’m not sorry, I was just so amazed such a title existed!) through the knitting class (! at F.I.T.??) areas …think high-end machines that knit entire articles of clothing.

And then there’s that other thing…

While we go on living our lives, other people go on living theirs. People we care about. People near. People far away in time, space, and emotional landscape…and no matter how desperately I would like to ease their painful life journey, I cannot. The illusions that if only I were physically nearby I could somehow make a difference, taunt me with my impotence. I do not handle this well. My tongue bleeds and my heart aches. Love is. It doesn’t have to make any sense.